Martha Stewart, at the Justin Bieber roast:
“Let’s get to the reason I’m here tonight which is to give Justin Bieber some tips to use when he inevitably ends up in prison. I’ve been in lockup and you wouldn’t last a week, so pay attention. The first thing you’ll need is a shank. I made mine out of a pin tail comb and a pack of gum. It’s so simple. I found Bubbalicious works best and it’s so much fun to say. When I did my stretch, all the hood rats on my cell block wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart’s ass, so I decided some bitch needed to get got. I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull dyke and I stuck her. From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones. Shaq, I hope your mom doesn’t still hold a grudge.”
Martha Stewart, a decade ago:
“Ms. Stewart, who will be released to home confinement as soon as tomorrow, has given inmates guidance on sentencing, led yoga sessions and offered pointers to a prison weaving class. Last month, Ms. Stewart kicked off an eight-week seminar, organized by inmates, entitled “Empowerment for Women.” Her lecture topic for the overflow crowd: “What’s Hot and What’s Not” in starting a business.
“She’s been trying hard to keep up morale” for women who have little to look forward to, Ms. Spry says.
In letters written to this reporter from prison, Ms. Stewart, 63 years old, discussed the plights of her fellow inmates, many of whom, she says, are “perfectly nice ‘neighbors next door.’ ” Among those she came to know: a nun convicted of sabotaging a Colorado missile site, North Carolina’s ex-agriculture commissioner who admitted accepting bribes, and a psychologist serving time for Medicaid fraud.
Ms. Stewart, who was convicted of lying to prosecutors about a stock sale, initially didn’t hit it off with everyone. Ms. Spry says she had a spat with Ms. Stewart early on. Both were assigned to create floral arrangements for a memorial service for a corrections officer who died soon after Ms. Stewart’s Oct. 6 arrival.
“Right away, she got really bossy,” recalls Ms. Spry, 54, “saying: ‘Go get this and go get that.’ ” Ms. Spry says she did as told and Ms. Stewart fashioned a “beautiful” topiary, trimmed with pampas grass. But she decided to avoid Ms. Stewart. Days later, Ms. Stewart asked Ms. Spry what was wrong — and then apologized, Ms. Spry says, leading to their friendship.”
(From the Wall street Journal’s In Federal Prison, Stewart Caters To a New Crowd
Inmates Say She Gave Guidance On Sentencing, Weaving; Letters Typed at 6 a.m.
By LAURIE P. COHEN Updated March 3, 2005)
Ha, ha. Martha Stewart jokes about prison violence. Too sensitive Sam is offended. Well, she was also a racist asshole as well:
“Hannibal [Buress], all night I’ve been trying to remember who you remind me of. Then it hit me, you look just like that gingerbread man I left in the oven too long.”
before saying to Snoop:
“I taught Snoop that the most important thing in business is diversification. Besides his music, he’s produced a porn movie. And, by the way, Natasha, you were great in that. I guess tonight’s the second time you’ve worked with five black guys.”
“Snoop, I see that you have been following my beauty regimen. You would never know that Snoop Dogg is 43 now, which is three times as long as actual dogs live and twice as long as most of his friends.”